Of Beards and Triangles
by kaileytmarie
Summary: A short story from the perspective of an insane genius. He's been watching the Pine Tree and the Shooting Star closely. Because that's not creepy at all. / Now a series of one shots. Feel free to send ideas.
1. Of Beards and Triangles

_"__Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence– whether much that is glorious– whether all that is profound– does not spring from disease of thought– from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect." -Edgar Allen Poe_

* * *

It was absolutely astounding how dumb they could be. How they could figure out so much in such little time, yet completely missed the most obvious things.

They were geniuses!

They were morons.

They were intriguing.

He was enraptured by the paradox of their minds. Of course, being that his attention span was so short, he quickly forgot that he was supposed to be paying attention to them. There were so many wondrously shiny things to attract his focus. So many devious plans to ponder, pranks to pull, conversations to eavesdrop on. But somehow it always came back to the children.

The Pine Tree. The Shooting Star. Dipper and Mabel. They were connected. They were all connected. In ways they couldn't possibly understand!

He sometimes wondered if even he understood the true nature of how they fit the puzzle. So many questions. So many questions.

But he knew things. He knew lots of things that they didn't.

No one knew what he knew! Well… There was that one guy. But after what had happened thirty years ago, he doubted he would be hearing from him any time soon.

The Pine Tree and the Shooting Star, though… They could be problems.

They could be answers.

They could just be two kids who had no idea what they were getting themselves into.

They had the journal, but they still kept secrets. And secrets could be dangerous.

He laughed to himself.

Dipper was paranoid and observant yet somewhat oblivious.

Mabel seemed oblivious yet he knew she understood more than even she thought she did.

The time would come when- Hey, look! A squirrel fighting a frog for supreme dominion over the miniscule woodland creatures!

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Where was he?

Oh, yes. The twins. Now where had they run off to?

Many times he had been labeled insane. He didn't mind. He was actually flattered by the brand. He scared people and that was perfectly fine by him.

There were times when his odd, little fixation with the Pines twins made him question just how far off the deep end he'd gone, but he rarely paid any real attention to such thoughts.

Insanity to most was brilliance to some.

And his was by far the most brilliant mind he had every known.

He didn't care what people thought of him.

But he was sure to frequent their nightmares. It was his thing.

Oh, the Pines. There they were.

He settled in the trees and watched as they played one of their silly games with the Question Mark, Soos.

Watch out for the handy man, kiddies. He knows more than he lets on.

A Gnome ran for cover a few yards away.

Weird things, Gnomes. He wondered how their Queen hunt was going.

He snapped his attention back to the twins. They had finished their game and were moving on to some other activity.

He noticed Dipper shove a book into his vest.

Oh, yes, another mysterious adventure into the magical realm of the Gravity Falls forest. What would the Pines get into today?

"Hey!"

He looked down from his perch in the tree to see Mabel staring up at him.

"Hey! Weird, old man! What are you doing up there?"

McGucket cocked his head and looked at nothing in particular. "What am I doin' anywhere?" He then proceeded to do a random jig on the branch until it broke under his weight and he fell to the ground, laughing hysterically.

Mabel stared at him for a moment before slowly backing away and then running for her brother and Soos.

Once the girl was out of sight, McGucket rose to his feet and looked around. "I've been watchin' you kids," he whispered with a crazed look in his eyes. "I've been watchin' ya real close."

He noticed then that the highest window on the Mystery Shack had changed just slightly. The design on the glass somewhat resembled an-

McGucket squawked and scurried into some bushes to hide. "I guess I ain't the only one watchin'." He then threw his body at a Possum that had wandered too close and began to wrestle it to the ground, yelling about how he would become supreme overlord of the nocturnal beasts of the forest and raise up an army to overthrow the order of government and squirt bottle factories.

* * *

Bill watched in amusement from his Nightmare realm in the Dreamscape. The old coot was even more a freak than he used to be!

"I can't believe he actually thinks he can hide from me!" he shouted in fits of laughter. "I know more than you, old man! I know your secrets! I know your fears! I KNOW THE EXACT DATE OF THE LAST TIME YOU CHANGED YOUR UNDERWEAR AND BOY THAT SURE WAS A LONG TIME AGO!"

He paused, suddenly becoming much more solemn. "I know who you really are. I know your act. Don't think I can't get in your head like I did all those years ago. I'll come back for you and I'll…" his voice trailed off as he watched the old man begin wrestling with some random Possum.

"Well… That's weird."

* * *

The window changed back to normal.

McGucket chuckled. "I knows yer tricks, Triangulum man. Ya won't catch old man McGucket again." With that, he disappeared into the trees.

* * *

**I often think that McGucket isn't really as insane as he seems. **


	2. Maggots and Meat

**So I guess this is another short, random oneshot thing about McGucket. Enjoy.**

* * *

"Flibber flabber jibber jabber! I'M OLD MAN MCGUCKET!"

The large woman screamed and fell out of her seat at the table, causing the approaching waiter to trip over her and spill a couple plates of spaghetti onto the man seated at the nearest booth.

Stan turned to glare at the old prospector dancing atop the table behind him. He grunted in annoyance when Mable started scooping the pasta off his body and onto her empty plate. "Well, it's free, so that's something." He licked some of the sauce off his face.

"Wow. I think she might be dead," said Soos, reaching for a handful of Stansghetti.

Dipper glanced up from his menu to take in the sight. McGucket had apparently been hiding under the booths again, waiting to jump out and scare some poor tourist unconscious and steal their food. It wasn't his first time.

"Spankledeedoo!" Shouted the old man as he dumped the hamburger and fries basket into his overalls. "I put fresh meat in my pants to keep my body warm during the cold and lonely nights!"

Dipper cringed.

"Look away, kid," his grunkle deadpanned, slurping another noodle off his shoulder.

Two hands gripped each of Stan's shoulders, holding him firmly in place. A hairy faced head appeared in the man's peripheral vision.

"What do you want, McGucket?" Stan asked roughly.

"My, what tasty looking clothes you've got on your body."

Stan glared. "I will break you, old man."

McGucket laughed and leaped over the table. He scurried to the door and ran screaming into the street.

Dipper shook his head. "Man, that guy is weird."

Mabel and Stan nodded.

"Hey, dudes," Soos started, licking some Stansghetti sauce off his hand. "You ever think that maybe that dude is, like, secretly some kind of legitimate genius who acts insane to hide some kind of huge secret? Yes? No? Am I the only one who thinks about that kind of stuff?"

The Pines stared at him.

"My mind is a like the mighty Oak whose branches cascade over the valley of life." He shoved another handful of Stansghetti in his mouth.

Dipper laughed. "Geez, man, next you're gonna be saying that old man McGucket wrote the journals."

"Yeah, that would be pretty stupid."

Stan grunted, pushed himself up and out the booth. "Well, the tomato sauce ran down my back and into my pants and now I seem to be developing an uncomfortable rash."

"Ew," said the twins in unison.

"TO THE CAR, KIDS!... And Soos."

* * *

McGucket cackled gleefully as he danced down the sidewalk and jumped into the first trashcan he saw. "McGucket, McGucket, McGucket."

"Um, McGucket?"

The old man peeked his head out of his can. Pine Tree? He jumped out of the garbage, spit on his hand and slapped the boy on the back. "Hey there, shrill voiced and awkwardly sweaty boy. Are ya here for another tonic?"

Dipper frowned at the wet spot on his back. "Um, no. I just found this bag of nacho chips in the back of Stan's car and thought I'd offer them to you. They expired, like, I don't know, two years ago?"

McGucket howled… Literally… Like a dog… "Triangles make my throat swell!"

Dipper blinked. "Um… Okay?"

The little man snatched the bag from the boy's hand and tore it open with his teeth.

"So…" Dipper started, searching for a conversation starter. "You seen any weird creatures running around in the dump lately or whatever- Aaaah!" He jumped at the suddenly grave and intense stare he received from the strange, old man with his face half buried in the bag of chips.

"Pointy corners make red ink and hiding don't mean ya can't be seen."

Dipper took a step back. "Um… Whaaaaaat?"

McGucket blinked, leaned in closer. "Be careful who you trust, boy." He shoved the empty chip bag in his mouth and swallowed it. "I've got a family of maggots that needs tending! Four, five, one, twenty and eight! Feeding maggots sure is great!" He jumped back into the trashcan, mumbling happily to himself.

Dipper slowly backed away. "Okay then… I'm just going to leave now."

McGucket peered over the edge of the trashcan, watching as the boy headed back to the car parked by Lazy Susan's diner. "Triangles and red ink. Maggots and meat. Watch out for shadows. Trust no one you meet."

* * *

**20-8-5 2-1-2-9-5-19 1-18-5 7-18-15-23-9-14-7 19-15 6-1-19-20!**


	3. The Nightmare

**So this one is a little more serious than what I had planned. I was going to make it longer, but I got tired so I didn't. Haha!**

* * *

Dipper sank to the ground, heart pounding hard in his chest, gasping for air. How long had he been running? An hour? Longer? A twig snapped somewhere behind him. He held his breath and pressed himself farther under the fallen log he was hiding behind. His lungs felt hot and heavy.

"Dipper," the voice taunted in a sing-song voice. "I know you're here, kid. Don't you want to come out and play?"

Dipper's vision began to blur. He was seeing spots. But he couldn't pass out. Not now. Not yet. First he had to find Mabel. He had to find her and get her somewhere safe.

"Come on, Dip," the voice whined. He could hear branches being moved and bushes being rustled.

_Don't find me. Don't find me._

He listened as his pursuer's footfalls crunched through the leaves and pine straw on the forest floor.

They were moving away from him.

He had to go.

Dipper waited another long minute, not daring to breath, move, or even blink until he was sure it was safe to run again. Finally, he built up his courage and made a mad dash back through the woods and to the shack.

"Mabel!" he yelled, bounding through the door. "Mabel, where are you?"

He thought he heard something coming from Stan's room. A muffled crying sound.

"Mabel?"

Dipper slowly pushed the door open and was immediately tackled by his terrified twin. Her hair was a mess, her eyes swollen from the tears that rolled down her face. He couldn't help noticing the dark stains on her sweater and the awful smells coming from them.

"Dipper! Dipper, you're safe! You're alive!" She buried her face against his chest, crying uncontrollably.

Dipper looked over his shoulder at the window. He felt like he was being watched.

_I'll be watching you…_ the voice echoed in his mind.

"Mabel, shh." He tried desperately to calm his sister, but to no avail. She continued to cry and hyperventilate against his shirt. "Mabel, you have to be quiet. We're not safe here."

"H-he… he took him," she gasped. "He took Waddles, Dipper."

Dipper's heart sank in his gut. He hated seeing his sister upset, but he couldn't remember the last time he had seen her so broken with fear and anguish. "We'll get Waddles back, Mabel."

"N-no! He's dead! I saw him! He killed him!"

Dipper slapped his hand over his sister's mouth, silencing her. Someone had come in the house and was making their way down the hall.

He pulled Mabel into his uncle's closet and ripped Stan's suits off their hangars, throwing them over his sister to hide her. "Please be quite, Mabel," he whispered softly.

As he turned to scan the room for another place to hide he noticed the texture of the wood paneling on the walls had changed.

Eyes.

There were eyes everywhere! They were just curls in the wood grain, yes, but still he couldn't shake the feeling that they were all watching him.

Was Mabel safe? Did he know where she was?

An unnatural laugh shook the room as an unwelcome shadow fell over the floor. "Come and play my game, Dipper!" called the voice.

"Go away, go away, go away," Dipper pleaded quietly, fearful tears beginning to burn his eyes.

"Aw, come on, kid."

Dipper sat on the floor, curled into a ball and shut his eyes tight. He wanted this to be a dream. He wanted to wake up. He knew that his pursuer had reached the doorway. He knew he had to face him.

He looked up.

"Did your sister tell you what I did to her stupid pig?" he asked, eye twinkling with delight. "I'm gonna do the same to her, Dipper. And you get to watch."

Anger swelled within him, but there was nothing he could do. He was powerless to stop him. He wanted to yell. He wanted to scream. But the most that would come out was a pathetic whisper.

"Why are you doing this, Grunkle Stan?"

Stan grinned, pulling his eye patch off his head. "Easy, kid," his voice echoed eerily, as if he were not the only one speaking. "I've always loved chopping down Pine Trees."

* * *

Stan's eyes snapped open. His heart was racing and he had broken out in a sweat. Light flashed on the TV screen, illuminating the room around him. He must have fallen asleep during that last movie he was watching with the kids.

He looked down at the floor to see his great niece and nephew fast asleep at his feet and he couldn't help the sigh of relief that escaped him.

Waddles nudged his hand, asking to have his head scratched. Stan complied, allowing a small smile to stretch over his lips.

With the images of his dream still fresh in his mind he bent down and scooped the kids up in his arms. Mabel wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling herself tightly against him and Dipper curled his head into his uncle's chest.

Stan shook his nightmare from his head, watching his nephew closely.

"I hope you know that I would kill myself before I ever let anything happen to either of you kids," he whispered to the soundly sleeping boy.

Stan slowly climbed the stairs to the attic, careful not to jostle his cargo, and made his way to their bedroom. He laid Dipper down first, then tucked Mabel into her blankets. He even went as far as lifting the pig onto the mattress to snuggle with her. He then turned back to his nephew.

Stan pulled Dipper's blanket over the boy's shoulders and sat at the end of the bed. He frowned, remembering all the things he had put Dipper through in his nightmare.

Dipper's chest rose and fell steadily. He seemed so peaceful.

Stan noticed the journal tucked under the mattress and pulled it out to flip through the pages. He landed on a page with an odd wheel and a triangle with one eye and his frown deepened.

"I'd never hurt you, kid." He smoothed Dipper's hair, feeling a lump form in his throat. He looked back at the picture in the book and glared. "I'd never hurt him."

Stan closed the book and returned it to its so-called hiding place.

He stayed on the end of the bed for another hour or so. Watching as the kids' chests rose and fell with each breath.

* * *

**Leave a review, please!**


	4. Just a Hug

McGucket weaseled his way into the trunk of an old car buried under a pile of scrap metal in the junkyard. He curled into a fetal position and pulled a fish head out from under his hat, munching it happily. A raccoon nuzzled his side and moved to take the fish from his hands.

McGucket yelled at the creature and slapped it away. "It's my meat, Leonard! Leave me alone!"

The raccoon hissed, provoking the old man to attack.

He did.

* * *

Mabel skipped happily down the sidewalk, her grunkle and brother trailing behind. They were on their way to the arcade when Stan's car had broken down. She had gotten to sit in the driver's seat and steer while Stan and Dipper pushed the car to the autoshop. Now they were roaming the streets of Gravity Falls, killing time in whatever ways their hearts desired.

As long as those desires didn't cost Stan any money, of course.

Mabel hummed to herself, occasionally breaking out into random dance moves. She knew her uncle was rolling his eyes at her shenanigans, but she also knew that he couldn't help smiling at her. She was absolutely adorable, after all.

"Grunkle Stan?" she asked, spinning around to look at him. "Can we go camping?"

Stan frowned at her. "Kid, we live outside of a small town in the middle of the woods. We're surrounded by possums, squirrels, goats, pigs and Soos. Every day you take a breath, you're camping."

"No, I mean real camping. Like with a tent and a fire and s'mores and sequins!"

"Sequins?"

Dipper smiled at his sister with a knowing look. "She thinks if we go camping she'll get to meet some 'surly, barrel-chested hunk.'" He scrunched his fingers in air quotations as he spoke.

Stan groaned. "Yeesh. Is this what life is for kids today? Just jumping from one crush to the other, hoping for some kind of forced relationship to form and drain the life from their souls like a parasite for the sake of maintaining their social standing with their peers?"

The twins blinked. "Yeah, pretty much," they answered in unison.

Stan rolled his eyes. "Let it go, kids. Get used to heartbreak, disappointment and disaster while you're young and let it mold your hatred for humanity into something great so that, one day, you can make the world pay for the wrongs it's done you by ripping people off at your home crafted shop of mysterious antiquities." He smiled proudly. "Just like your great uncle Stan."

"Pass."

"Whatever.

* * *

"Forty-niner ate the diner, swung a snake head in the lakebed," McGucket sang happily as he huddled under a bush beside the bus stop in town. He dug a little hole in the ground, kissed a penny and laid it down with its face up. "Sung the song that lit the town, in golden flame he burned it down."

The old man peeked his head out from the leaves and watched quietly as the bus pulled to a stop and opened its doors. Out of nowhere a man appeared with a few paper sacks in his arms. He glanced toward the old man. McGucket waved happily at him, but the man merely huffed and boarded the bus.

McGucket let out a sigh of defeat. Tomorrow. Maybe his son would wave back tomorrow.

"Secret pit and secret bird, makes the mind and mouth unheard." He waddled back down the street, collecting leaves that had fallen to the ground. Only the round ones, though. Only the round ones. "Listen to the crazy coot, before your head's crushed under boot. Gold, gold, golden boot. Golden boot for crazy coot."

McGucket dashed for the alley that lead to his junkyard home, but after rounding the corner, he found himself colliding with the Pines twins and falling to the ground. Losing his leaves in the process. "Eh! What? What happened?" he shouted in confusion.

"Hey! Hey!" Stan yelled, yanking the old man off his niece and nephew. "Off the kids, freak! And watch where you're going!"

McGucket hissed, darted around them and ran for the cover of his junkyard.

Dipper stood and dusted his shirt off, then helped his sister to her feet. "Man, that guy is weird."

"Aw, Dipper, he's just a lonely old man who probably just needs a hug," Mabel said.

Stan grunted and reached one arm behind his back to scratch… somewhere. "He's a disturbed, little man with no regard for human decency."

"Like you?" Dipper asked, sharing a giggle with his sister.

"What was that?" his uncle asked, glaring.

"Nothing."

* * *

"Doot dee doo. Diggin' a latrine. Doot dee doo."

McGucket dug another small hole in the dirt with his spoon. He heard someone climb through the hole in the fence behind him, but chose to focus on his task instead of sicking his raccoons on the intruder.

"Hey, old man McGucket."

He jumped at the sound of the voice—though he knew she had been there the whole time—and turned to face the Shooting Star. "What? What're ya doin' here?"

"I just wanted to come by and see how you're doing."

The girl smiled warmly at him. He felt the urge to scratch his nose. He did. "Welp. Okay, I guess." He stared blankly at the air.

Mabel spread her arms. "Come on, old man. Who needs a hug? You do!" She wrapped her arms around him.

McGucket beamed and hugged the child back. No one had been so nice to him since his son was just a toddler. He had almost forgotten what it was like to be hugged. He purred contentedly.

Mabel patted his back to signal for release, but the old man stayed put. "Um… Old man?" She tried to push him away, but he didn't budge. "O-okay. This is… This is getting weird."

She noticed the purring.

"GRUNKLE STAAAAAAAAAAN!"

* * *

**I just... I don't even know.**


End file.
